Indentify your partner .. he needs a vacation
1) He keeps handcuffing himself by accident.
2) He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.
3) He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he’d look good in a collar.
4) He talks to himself. Half of him is the “good cop”, and the other half is the “bad cop.”
5) He wants you to call him “Judge Dredd”, and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
6) He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
7) He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.
9) Every Tuesday he insists it’s his turn to be the siren.
10) He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
Marriage Quotes
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: ‘I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!’ ‘What happened?’ asked the friend. ‘My wife found out..’
Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch. Read more
101 ways to irritate people
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”
3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip…”
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <
7. Speak only in a “robot” voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will “swipe your grub”.
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies. Read more
EXAMS are like GIRLFRIENDS
EXAMS are like GIRLFRIENDS:
1. Too many questions.
2. Difficult to understand.
3. Too much explaination is needed.
4. Result is always Fail
Billing Lawyer
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Love is Enough
Love is enough: though the World be a-waning,
And the woods have no voice but the voice of complaining,
Though the sky be too dark for dim eyes to discover
The gold-cups and daisies fair blooming thereunder,
Though the hills be held shadows, and the sea a dark wonder
And this day draw a veil over all deeds pass’d over,
Yet their hands shall not tremble, their feet shall not falter;
The void shall not weary, the fear shall not alter
These lips and these eyes of the loved and the lover.